................................................I was once known as Aquarians Love To Fuck (ALT-F). I am now Vagina Dentata (VD)................................................


Wednesday

VD Angst Part I



Me:  "I was tested for autism as a child because I would not speak to anyone except my mother, my older brother and occasionally to one of my cats.
I could sit somewhere for hours and say nothing.
I miss those days."

The Tutor:  "I don't see why you miss that since blogging, especially your blogging, is also you just 'sitting somewhere for hours saying nothing'.
Just saying."

Plica Palpebronasalis

Me:  "You're just jealous!  Asians are superior to you white folk.  Do you require proof of our superior status?  How's this:  we of the  Mongoloid Race have three copies of our 21st and you of the Caucasoid and Negroid Races have but a measly two!
Ha!
Losers!"

The Tutor:  "'Mongoloidism', a now pejorative term, was used to label those folks who sported either partial or complete trisomy of the 21st chromosome.
This was NOT something one would want to possess, much less brandish."

Me:  "Oh dear.  You're not too swift are you?

Born Free

We are gonna take it.
Yes! We're sure gonna take it.
We are gonna take it, evermore!

The Tutor and I watched this nature programme last night on the television.  It was about the current plight of the large fauna in sub-Saharan Africa - particularly the Big Cats.
The future doesn't look good for the lions, cheetahs and leopards it seems.  I reckon the jackal and hyena won't fair well either, but the Western sentiment - read: Disney sentiment - regarding these beasts is negative so who cares, right?  Anyway, The Tutor and I decided to apply our considerable cognitive abilities to devise a solution to the plight of these cute beasties.  The loss of habitat, the ever-encroaching presence of humans, and poaching seem to be the major problems.  We came up with several solutions though some are more palatable to Western sensibilities than others I should think.

To wit:

Solution One
Cull the humans.  This could be done on a random basis or perhaps with eugenics in mind, you know, for a bit of genetic engineering.

Solution Two
Establish large Game Preserves for the fauna. Fenced to keep the locals out more so than to keep the animals in.  Oh, and an army of well-armed Park Wardens to dissuade any poachers or peasants seeking land on which to grow life-giving food.

Solution Three
The West, the Arab World(the oil-rich bits) and the Chinese could relinquish all the land they control in Sub-Saharan Africa and give it back to the autochthones.  Of course, this will mean the Caucasoids in Europe and Arabia and the Mongoloids in China won't get their plentiful supply of inexpensive vegetables and fruits all year round.  And they won't get their current lion's share of the mineral wealth for which Africa is famous.
If the Africans could benefit from all the wealth of their continent the extant wildlife would have nothing to fear.  A wealthy Africa would soon reach a stable population, start to decrease even, and huge tracts of land could be set aside for the indigenous flora and fauna. Harmony!
Of course, if this were to happen, the absolute and relative wealth of the West, Arabia and China would decrease so precipitously that concern for the welfare of the fauna in Africa would disappear from the collective consciousness of these folks and the once popular Nature programmes would be replaced with Soup Kitchen Reality shows.

Solution Four
The Tutor and I have just registered a Not-For-Profit organisation named: "Save The African Big Cats Before They're Fuct".  The purpose of our little project is to collect donations from guilt-ridden Caucasoids in the West so that they might feel better about themselves and assuage the emotional turmoil of their inherent hypocrisy.(1)  According to our Prospectus, a massive 15 percent of all tax-deductible donations collected will be transferred directly - no graft, no middle-men - to our vast network of compatriots in Africa.
Our dedicated indigenous agents, after buying the necessary cases of "Tusker" and the latest in Safari fashions and cell-phones, will spend every remaining cent to help Elsa and her cubs. The remaining paltry 85 percent of the donations collected from the very generous Western folks will be retained by The Tutor and me to cover unavoidable administration expenses and our salaries.
Win, and fucking, Win!


(1)  The Arabians and the Chinese don't feel guilty, yet, so it wouldn't work on them.



The Tutor tells me that the folks in the West have been inundated with a constant stream of news items about the seemingly never-ending and incessant plagues, pestilence, wars and genocide(s) that have befallen the Dark Continent for as long as he can remember.
No other continent has had cause to endure such heinous visitations from the god of Abraham like poor Africa has.  It is hard to believe there are any people, much less fauna, still alive there.  Imagine our surprise when we discovered that over the past 30 years or so, the human population of Africa has increased, on a percentage basis, more so than any other continent.  How could that be?  Either the Africans have an incredible birth rate, or the calamities befalling Africa are nowhere near as destructive as we are lead to believe.

The Wanderings of Vagina Dentata


Some time ago, I spent a few blissful weeks one summer in Drumcliff, County Sligo, Republic of Ireland.  Ahhhhh......... the wonderfully halcyon days of one's misspent youth.  Innit?
On one particular warm and dewy night, while meandering about in a drunken haze after imbibing too many "Marmite Shots" enwrought with whiskey - not whisky - at my local, I happened upon the restful graveyard of St. Columba's.
Memories of my recent tryst in the loo with a "mad, bad and dangerous to know" Republican rapscallion raced through my veins and mind.  Feeling a bit flushed, I took off my clothing and lay upon a nearby bed of cool, river-washed pebbles and fell fast asleep.
Upon awakening hours later, in the shadow of a grey monolith, I found myself surrounded by a group of Yankee tourists staring in pity upon my nubile yet gravelly form.

"Cast a cold Eye
On Life, on Death,
On pebbled Flesh.
Horseman, pass by!"

Is all I said.  

King of Jerusalem

His Majesty The King Juan Carlos I of Spain has abdicated in favour of his son, Crown Prince Felipe.  I hope he soon enters politics, 'cause I'd sure vote for him!
I remember the 2007 Ibero-American Summit in Santiago, Chile wherein a watershed moment in International Diplomacy was enacted.  When the now dead Venezuelan President Hugo Chávez repeatedly interrupted the speech of the then Prime Minister of Spain, José Luis Rodríguez Zapatero, His Majesty the King interjected:

¿Por qué no te callas?

I just love that man!
Did you know that His Majesty The King's many titles and honours includes that of King of Jerusalem (As successors to the royal family of Naples).
That's cool.
I wonder if anyone has bothered to inform the Israelis, Palestinians and other interested parties in that benighted area of the world that they have a King?

Innit?


UPDATE

I can't help but think this would be a perfect solution to the troubles in the Middle East.
Ha!
Reconstitute the Latin Kingdom of Jerusalem over which will reign its rightful titular head; The Monarchy of Spain.  And as an extra bonus, the Spanish Monarchy has links to:

- Her Majesty Victoria, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Ireland Queen, Defender of the Faith, Empress of India.

- The Hapsburg Dynasty through Emperor Charles V of the Holy Roman Empire.

- The House of Bourbon through Louis Quatorze, Le Roi Soleil of France.

- The Carpetian Dynasty and the royal family of Poland.

At the very least, the Tapas Bars that spring up all over the place would be a welcome respite from the vile Falafel dumps they have now.  How could the various factions continue to kill each other when plenty of cheap chopitos and boquerones are to be found on every corner?  The serving of tapas is designed to encourage conversation because people will not be so focused upon eating an entire meal, quickly, before once again filling the streets to resume killing each other. Tapas consumption is known to elicit quiet dialogue and camaraderie.

Another solution to the troubles in the Middle East would be to turn the entire fucking place into a self-lighting and glass-bottomed parking lot with nukes.
Drastic, but effective.
Of course, those currently living there would be escorted out prior to the deluge.  I can hear the hue and cry now, from both Palestinian and Jew alike, in unison and in English, "Shite!  Here we go again!"

~Bilious C. Pudenda~ 

Where The Fuck Is Ireland?


The Customer:  "I'm here to pick up a Table Arrangement for "X"."

Me:  "Give me a second.  I'll find your order form.
"

The Customer:  "It could be under "Y" or perhaps "Z"."


Me:  "I can't find any of those names.  Were you the person who ordered it?

Or are you just picking it up?"

The Customer:  "Picking it up.  My grand-mother from British Columbia ordered it a few days ago."


Me:  "Are you sure she ordered it from us?  There are two other Florists in town, could she have ordered it from one of them?"


The Customer:  "I don't think so.  We always use your shop.  I got my wedding flowers here, last year."


Me:  "Can you call your grand-mother and find out if she ordered it here?  We have no record of it and it is unlikely we would have lost it.  We're pretty good at not doing that sort of thing."


The Customer calls her mother - not her grand-mother.


The Customer:  "You were right.  My grand-mother ordered it from "So-and-So Florists"."


Me:  "Well I feel better.  I would hate to think we could lose an order like that."



The Tutor remembers her and her wedding flowers.
She was one of a pair of recent high school grads, on their way to university, who suggested The Tutor should 'go on Jeopardy' because he knew that Ireland was an island - this was unknown to them.  And her wedding colours/flowers were just as stupid.  Humans depress me, a lot.


UPDATE

I just completed a very 'quick and dirty' poll with 27 customers over the last two hours.  All adults with at least high school matriculation.

The first question:  "Did you know that Ireland is an island?"

19 said "No".
8 said "Yes".


The second question:  "Can you point to Ireland on this map?"

18  refused or incorrectly located Ireland.  One chose an area in India.
5  were very close - circling the UK and Nordic countries.
4  correctly identified Ireland's location.


The third question:  "Did you know there are actually two Irelands?"

25 said "No".
2 said "Yes" and named them.


Sunday

Dance Me To The Wall


Is it me or has 2016 been a very bad year for death?

Saturday

Sic Transit Gloria Honeyblossom

The Tutor:  "Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence Geldof is almost dead!  First her Aussie pa orfs himself* with a bit of snake-skin on November 22, 1997, just after she was born.  Her mam then goes and orfs herself* with an opiate on September 17, 2000, when she was four.  And then, her fruity step-sister orfs herself* with sommat on April 6, 2014, when she was 17.  I'm thinking there might be a genetic predisposition for this sort of behaviour amongst these folks.  Nature of course, certainly not nurture!  Yes?"

Me:  "I'm fucking thinking you should learn to speak fucking English you creepy old man.  The present continuous tense should only be used to describe continuous actions which are taking place at that very moment, and should only be used with continuous verbs. Non-continuous verbs should never be used with the present continuous tense; one should use the simple present.

You with your 'I'm thinking there might be...' and Ronald with his 'I'm loving it' can all be fucking off."

The Tutor:  "You're just jealous your parents didn't name you Fifi Trixibelle."


Me:  "I'm thinking Astala Dylan Willow Phaedra Bloom Forever is exotic enough."



* According to some folks, they weren't suicides, but a result of "foolish and incautious" behaviour.

Fair enough.

Thursday

Convenience

The Tutor:  "Care for a shag?"

Me:  'It is not convenient."

The Tutor:  "You mean proper?"

Me:  "Proper?  No.  Convenient."





You would not believe how many times I have used that line since I saw "The Russia House" way back in 1990.  You know, when both Connery(1) and Pfeiffer were sexy.

Innit?



(1)  Of course Sean is still sexy, but as we  all know, the sexiest man alive, or dead, is still - and will always be - Paul Newman.

Saturday

Nephew not a Fag

This is my new nephew, Des or Baz or Jez, or something. Or Peregrine.

He’s five days old already. They do grow up fast, don’t they? It seems like only yesterday that he was four days old.

No sign of him being a fag yet, thank God.

UPDATE!
To protect the infant's privacy, I have replaced his photo with a photo of Paul Hogan, the well-known heterosexual.

Fucking With Neo-Nazis

Dear Neo-Nazi Defence Cohort League,
I have noticed that your collective spokesmen have been, over the last decades or so, 'silenced' in one way or another when they decry that the Holocaust did not occur.  I think it regrettable that upstanding christian white-folks like yourselves cannot deny the Holocaust if it should suit them to do so.
It's just, like, totally unfair.  These politically correct times are a real pain in the a**.  I think I might have a solution though.  If one cannot deny the Holocaust, perhaps one can deny the world conflagration within which the Holocaust occurred?  If one denies that World War II actually took place, one is de facto denying the Holocaust took place.  Smart, right?
I've checked with a Lawyer, a Jew as it happens, and she tells me this will work!

Regards,

Bilious C. Pudenda



Dear Bilious C. Pudenda,
Thank you for your email and your suggestion.  We think it unlikely that people would believe that World War II did not happen.  We ourselves are certain World War II took place.  We respect Herr Hitler and his supreme philosophies and he is rather connected to World War II.  It certainly took place. We are quite certain that people, even White Christian folk, would think us to be idiots if we took this position.
Thank you again for your email and suggestion.  Do keep in touch.

Sincerely,

Neo-Nazi Defense Cohort League



Dear Awesome White-Boys,
I understand how denying that World War II in its entirety took place might be problematical, but one must weigh one's priorities.  If denying the Holocaust is of pre-eminent importance, sacrifices will be needed.  And as far as your belief that folks will consider you to be idiots for denying WWII, I would not worry.  As it is now, the vast majority of Humanity consider y'all to be idiotically imbecilic and inbred morons already and taking this position could not possibly besmirch your well earned reputation for totally fuct learned exposition.
Just sayin' is all.

Regards,

Bilious C. Pudenda



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