................................................I was once known as Aquarians Love To Fuck (ALT-F). I am now Vagina Dentata (VD)................................................


Monday

Splice The Mainbrace



IN
MEMORY OF
"SIMON"
SERVED IN
H.M.S. AMETHYST
MAY 1948 — NOVEMBER 1949
AWARDED DICKIN MEDAL
AUGUST 1949
DIED 28TH NOVEMBER 1949.
THROUGHOUT THE YANGTZE INCIDENT
HIS BEHAVIOUR WAS OF THE HIGHEST ORDER


Oh, and Mend and make clothes too!

Thursday

......................for old men

Recently, The Tutor has taken to donning my ever-so stylish Anton Chigurh Page-Boy wig and wandering about the neighbourhood brandishing his shiny, new Husqvarna Captive Bolt device.
I should be concerned, but curiously, I am not.

Friday

For Whom The Bell Tolls

Me: "For whom does the bell toll, Bilious?"


The Tutor: "I told you not to ask after that, are ya thick or sommat? You ain't gonna like the answer."


Me: "I'm sure of it, but nevertheless, I must know."


The Tutor: "Fair enough then, yins bin warned. It's not, 'For whom the bell tolls' as most folks think, but actually, 'In whom the bell tolls' - and it's often more than one bell tolling too! It has long been advised that one should 'ask not in whom the bell tolls.' Why, you should ask? It is because, as it is in our case, the bells toll in thee little missy! Think back to when we first met - remember those halcyon days? Those bells had meaning to toll in thee then. And toll they did; deep in your Asian libido. Not in the slow, maudlin peal of a liturgical dirge either, oh no my poppet, but in a wonderfully mad Quasimodo frenzy of flailing phallo-claxons in yielding vulvic-domes."


Me: "Well. maybe, but 'Glory in the flower', 'Splendour in the grass' - you know, that sort of thing - those carillonneurs have been slipping on those ropes of late and the only thing Quasimodo about us these days is the hunched-over countenance you're beginning to express in that not-very-gracefully blooming dotage of yours."


The Tutor: "I told you you wouldn't like the answer. And query: 'blooming dotage'? That's an oxymoron, Innit?"


Me: "In your case, yes, but I was intending ironic sarcasm. It's 'blomin' nonage' in my case"


The Tutor: "Fuck off it is."

Fifty Shades Of Gay

Well Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo(1) me from behind with fifty shades of solemn, po-faced mommy pr0n(1), the old woman - 40ish - beside me at the other computer here in the local Public Library is downloading erotically rife eBooks!

I's back for a few hours today.



(1)  There appears to be a Wordfilter at play in this Library computer system.  There is a Profanity Filter - duh.  But, as you will soon see, no much-needed Lameness Filter.

GAY, gay, GAY:  GAY;  GAYERLY GAYNESS IS GREATLY gay with GAYOSITY and gayishly gay GAYISHNESS.

NYUCK the FYooCH-NYUCK

Smart Enough!

The Tutor:  "Why are you telling me this now?
You knew I wanted to be informed the very minute that happened."

Me:  "No I did not.  I was unaware you were monitoring that situation.  I was not born with this information.  You need to tell me things."

The Tutor:  "Blah....blah....blah....you're smart enough to know...blah....blah....blah....!!!!"

Me:  "Smart enough to know?  Indeed I am."

The Tutor:  "I hate you!"

Caesar and CERN

What is all this shite about Higgs Bosons and God Particles and assorted particulate crap coming out of that Large Hadrian Collider they have at CERN.
I just don't get it; large collider?  I've seen many statues of the deified Antinoös and in nary a one is the future inspiration for Michaelangelo's David represented as having been even remotely well endowed in the collider department.
I just don't get it.


WTF?

Gibberish. Right?
Wrong!

If you know what CERN is

and
If you know what the LHC is
and
If you know who Hadrian is
and
If you know who Antinoös is
and
If you know what a double entendre is
and
If you know what a near-homophonic pun is.....


This post will be understood.  Perhaps even considered clever, but admittedly, probably not perceived as actually funny.  Nevertheless, if by publishing it I was able to bring just a little mirth into someone's day, and as a result, one fewer puppy was kicked, I will have succeeded.


Eloise and Abelard
Juliet and Romeo
Delilah and Samson
Lakshmi and Vishnu
Banu and Jahan
Bennet and Darcy

Great lovers of times past.  Why is it that we never see Hadrian and Antinoös or Gertrude and Alice in these lists?  Speaking of the 'rose is a rose is a rose' lady, people bitch about the fact that the epitaph of Alice B. Toklas is inscribed on the back of Gertrude Stein's memorial plinth.  They maintain it is derisive and demeaning.  I don't think it is at all.

It's rather apropos, actually.  Alice is behind Gertrude in death for eternity - just as she was in life.  In life, of course, she brandished a strap-on when in that posterior position.  So why not in death?  Then again, who knows what delicious evil lurks under the carefully manicured lawns of Père Lachaise Cemetery?
Innit?